Poly FAQ

What's polyamory, then?
Many thanks to alt.polyamory

Polyamory means "loving more than one".
This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of  the individuals involved, but you needn't wear yourself out trying to figure out ways to fit fondness for apple pie, or filial piety, or a passion for the Saint Paul Saints baseball club into it. "Polyamorous" is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. (Heck, some are involved in less than one.)  Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide
range of poly arrangements out there.

    But isn't that "cheating"? 

     Nope.

     Oh, you wanted a longer answer.  Okay.  According to the OED,

     cheating means "fraud, deceit, swindling."  There's a nice quote

     from 1532: "The first...ground of Chetinge is...a studdy to seme

     to be, and not to be in deede."  In other words, cheating is to

     convey through deliberate action the impression that one is of a

     particular nature while one is, in fact, something quite

     different. What this boils down to with polyamory is that

     polyamorous people do not tell partners, lovers, or prospective

     members of those groups that they are monogamous when in fact

     they are not -- nor do they allow these people to assume they are

     monogamous, regardless of how convenient or personally

     advantageous such assumptions might be.  The words "honest",

     "negotiate", "communication" and "being out" occur frequently in

     discussions of how polyamory usually works.

     As Stef puts it:

     "I think the key in defining polyamory is *openness*, that is,

     having multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of

     your partner(s) rather than by deceit.  (How much openness, how

     many details are shared, of course varies widely.)  A great many

     people have secret affairs while they're in a supposedly

     monogamous relationship. I think those people might have the

     potential to be polyamorous, but I do not think they are

     practicing polyamory.  Another key in defining polyamory, IMO, is

     that it need not involve sex (although it often does)."

     Generally speaking, if someone openly practices "more than one

     love" and calls themself polyamorous, they probably are; if they

     practice "more than one love" and call themself monogamous, do

     not adjust your television: the problem is *not* in your

     receiver.

 Primaries, secondaries, vees and triads:

 polyjargon and polygeometry

     Since there are lots of different ways to organize (or not

     organize, if one is blessed by the Goddess of Chaos, or has a

     taste for happy anarchy, or is a principled egalitarian)

     relationships, it follows that there are ways of describing these

     various arrangements.  This polyjargon has evolved in the

     newsgroup over time, and the words are merely descriptives.  No

     approval or disapproval of any particular arrangement is to be

     expressed or implied.

     Primary - word often used in a hierarchal multi-person

     relationship to denote the person with whom one is most strongly

     bonded.  In some cases this bond or commitment takes the form of

     legal marriage.  As bigamy is not legal, the option of having two

     (or more) legally wedded primaries simultaneously is not

     currently practicable, though non-legal ceremonies may certainly

     be performed.  In some cases "primary" refers to the lover with

     the most seniority.

     Secondary - follows from primary, in a hierarchal relationship,

     denotes a person with whom one is involved without the emotional,

     legal, or economic complexities and commitments of primary

     bonding.

     Yes, some people talk about tertiaries and so on.  Some people

     also don't like the terms primaries and secondaries or the

     concepts behind the terms, preferring to have "a circle of

     equals" as one poly person called it.  Stef contributed the term

     "Non-hierarchical Polyamory" for this kind of arrangement.

     Triads - three people involved in some way.  Often used in a

     fairly committed sense, in some cases involving ceremonies of

     commitment, but also used simply to mean "three people who are

     connected".  Example: "Jodine, Mischa and Mickey are a FMM triad

     living in Excelsior."

     Vee - Three people, where the structure puts one person at the

     bottom, or "hinge" of the vee, also called the pivot point. In a

     vee, the arm partners are not as commonly close to each other as

     each is to the pivot.

     Triangle (or equilateral triangle) - relationship where three

     people are each involved with both of the others.  Sometimes also

     called a triad.

     Line Marriage - term from the works of Robert A. Heinlein,

     science fiction writer, meaning a marriage that from time to time

     adds younger members, eventually establishing an equilibrium

     population (spouses dying off at the same rate as new ones are

     added).  This is a different form of familial immortality than

     the traditional one of successive generations of children.

     (Definition courtesy of M. Schafer, and yes, there are people who

     are in situations like this who use the term to describe their

     family.)

     Polyfidelity: Relationship involving more than two people who

     have made a commitment to keep the sexual activity within the

     group and not have outside partners.  (Rumor has it that this

     term was coined by the group Kerista.)

     Quads, pentacles, sextets and more: There are polyfolk who exist

     in multiple arrangements with more than three members.  Geometry

     can get complicated, and creative nomenclature abounds. As in

     every other aspect of polyamory, the precise bonds of intimacy

     vary from group to group and from member to member within groups.

 What about jealousy?

     Some people seem to have no jealousy; it's as if they didn't get

     that piece installed at the factory.  Others, including some

     long-term polyamorists, feel jealousy, which they regard as a

     signal that something needs investigation and care, much as they

     would regard depression or pain.  Jealousy is neither a proof of

     love (and this is where polyamory differs from possessive or

     insecure monogamy) nor a moral failing (and this is where

     polyamory differs from emotionally manipulating one's partner(s)

     into relationships for which they are not ready).

Are there rules for being polyamorous?

     Nobody has a trademark on How It's Done, if that's what you mean.

     The best anyone can do is tell how it works for them, and as with

     most other things, YMMV. (That means "Your Mileage May Vary.")

     Some people have "rules of thumb".

     Joe and Kat:

             "Your needs come first.

              We'll talk about everything.

              What they said."

 Elise:

             "Since a certain 'learning experience' I have felt strongly

             that I should never allow my relationship with a new person

             to be a tool used to avoid dealing with a 'broken' other

             relationship.  In fact, one of the things I am most careful

             about is 'emotional spillover'; I have a policy of not

             spending intense time with otherloves when there is something

             out of balance with one love.  Naturally this tends to speed

             up the opening of negotiations about the difficulty. ;-) I

             think it's unfair to my loves to use the time I spend with

             them as a palliative when there's trouble elsewhere; it keeps

             me from doing the work I need to do, the work I agreed to do

             when I took on the reality of the relationship."

     If you want rules of thumb, you get to make them up yourself. No

     warranty expressed or implied, and keep checking the instrument

     panel throughout your flight.

How do you decide who sleeps where when? 

     This is the most often asked question in panel discussions of

     polyamory, making some polyfolk wonder why sex is more

     interesting than the emotional and other intimacies of

     polyamorous life.  The answer is that the people involved decide,

     and they decide *how* they decide, too.  Some people have

     conferences and divide up the week, some people all pile happily

     into one big bed, and for all I know some people spin a big wheel

     with blinking lights on it each evening....and some people can

     love one another, have no sex, and choose to live in separate

     homes if that is most comfortable for them. The answer usually

     evolves out of discussion, empathy and practice, which makes it a

     lot like good lovemaking.

     As jack says:

     "The thing to remember is that the sexuality of a relationship is

     not the most important aspect of it.  The best thing I can do for

     either of my partners is meet them at the door with a buttered

     biscuit and a smile."

Why do some posts talk about Hot Bi Babes?

     It's a newsgroup joke referring to the occasional post from

     someone, almost always identifying himself as a straight male,

     who is seeking "hot" (i.e. sexually arousing) bisexual female

     partners to save him from the monotonies of the back rack at his

     local video rental shop.  The term Hot Bi Babe is almost always

     used sarcastically, occasionally by those of us who really are

     hot bi babes, to lampoon those who regard our sexual preferences

     as a spectator sport.  (Our crankiness has more to do with the

     frequency and ineptitude of clueless approaches than it does with

     the acceptability of fantasies or anything like that.)

     (and where can I get some?)

     Posting personal ads to alt.flame is usually a good strategy;

     alt.dev.null is another good bet.  Best of luck, and keep those

     cards and letters.

Are all polyfolk bisexual?

     No. There are many polyamorous people who are also bisexual, 

    and many who are monosexual (i.e. relating only to one gender as

     potential or actual sexual/romantic partners; straight or

     gay/lesbian).  There are also lots of folks who don't do sexual

     preference/orientation labels at all.  One doesn't always know

     until one asks, as with so many other things.  Avoiding

     assumptions is usually worth the exercise.

Do polyamorous relationships last?

     Some do, some don't, just like any other kind of relationships.

     Some folks on the newsgroup have been together for many years;

     some own houses and have children together. Being polyamorous is

     no guarantee that relationships will be easier, though there can

     be advantages to shared joys and shared sorrows, as the old

     saying goes.

How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

     I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy

     of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can

     be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to

     think of "polyamorous people".

     Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions,

     and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and

     down and screeching, "See!  See!  I *knew* it wasn't just me!

     Hooray!"  If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is

     probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate

     clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think

     of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be

     one of the crowd anyhow.  Besides, being polyamorous is not

     inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to

     feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that

     just to hang out and look at the questions.

     Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like

     all labels, just a tool.  What you do and how you treat the

     people you love is probably more important to them, in the long

     run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't

     sweat it, okay?  And take good care of each other.

     An alternate point of view:

             "There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are

             polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may

             at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous

             relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right

             depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those

             you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times

             be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that

             may be the right thing for the people in that relationship;

             at other times, you may be in a relationship which works

             better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships.  In

             any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and

             responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate

             partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't

             deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care

             about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about

             really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or

             how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been

             told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should

             feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make

             you, and the people you care about, and the people they care

             about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having

             more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or

             being involved in a relationship with more than two people,

             those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will

             label you a 'poly person'."

What about living together and commitment and marriage and all that?

     Good question.  Ask it; there are many, many approaches among people.     

     From co-housing to communal living to group marriage to things-  

     undreamed, there are a multitude of  ways.  Design a new one and 

     see how it works. Unlearn assumptions about an old arrangement. 

     Ask questions, and practice empathy.

     Most of all, polyamory seems to be about building new

     configurations of relationships rather than trading people in and

     out like baseball cards. As amanda r. clark says:

             "Poly is being open to the opportunity if it comes along, not

             refusing commitments because something better might come

             loping down the path."

What will the children think?

     As Martin Schafer says:

             "If you don't think you are doing anything wrong, and can

             honestly explain that, they'll probably think it's pretty

             neat.  For some of us having more people involved in child

             rearing is a big practical benefit of our lifestyle.  The

             details of how this works is a fertile topic for discussion,

             both here and among the individuals involved."

How does a person start (or continue) a poly relationship?

     First, there are no rules.  Nobody owns the copyright on

     polyamory.  You get to build your own to fit you and your

     dearloves.

     One thing that comes up in every conversation about polyamory is

     communication.  If there is any basic building block, this is

     probably it. If you can talk about your hopes, you're on the way

     to realizing them.

     If you're in a relationship already, and have not talked about

     how you feel and what you want, and you're asking the question

     "How do I start doing this poly stuff?", you may have some qualms

     about talking to your partner.  What you do will have to be

     determined by your own ethics and your own situation; chances are

     that if you ask on the newsgroup, many polyfolk will suggest you

     talk it over with your partner, and they may point out that even

     if you two do not decide to live polyamorously, you may very well

     increase the intimacy level in your monogamous dyad by having the 

     discussion.


     On the other hand, it may all go blooey, and this is why people

     hesitate.  On the third hand, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

     On the fourth hand, it might be useful to increase the intimacy

     level in the existing relationship and address any outstanding

     difficult issues there *before* having this particular

     discussion. Four more hands and you've got a nice statue of Kwan

     Yin there, and seeing as how she's the Goddess of Mercy, she

     might come in handy at a time like this.

     Joe Avins feels that it's not a good idea to try to force a

     relationship into an attractive model; he favors the "relax, be

     open, and see what happens" approach, and quotes Pete Seeger:

     "Take it easy, but take it."

     If you're already in more than one relationship and haven't

     disclosed this yet, you will find people on the newsgroup who

     have experienced similar things - from all three sides - and are

     willing to discuss their perceptions and the actions they took.

How do I explain this to people?

     David Rostcheck says:

             "You don't have to explain yourself at all, or answer to

             anyone.  You're happy. Your feelings require no

             justification. It's a mistake to try to reconcile what you

             feel with a social classification, because the classification

             may not really suit you.  You start with your feelings,

             understand them and be comfortable with them. You, your

             feeling, and the people you care about are the important

             things.  You're getting in this unnatural, inverted position

             of trying to explain yourself. You don't have to explain

             yourself to the world. You just are, and your relationship

             just is. If other people want to understand it, then you try

             to explain to them in basic terms what you feel, and that

             you're happy.

             "Here's how I'd deal with some specific questions:

             ":Are you seeing my daughter or this other girl?

               I'm seeing them both.

             ":So you're cheating on her?

               No. They both know; we're all friends and we're happy that

               way.

             ":Well, which do you love?

               I love them both.

             ":Which do you love more?

               I don't understand the question. They're different

               people. How do you measure?

             ":Why don't you commit to one of them?

               Why can't I commit to both of them?

             "See? You don't have to bend over backwards to express

             yourself in their terms. They may have to learn your terms to

             understand you.  You're not the one who doesn't understand;

             they have to put in the work to comprehend you. Remember, the

             bunch of you have something that comes naturally and feels

             right for you; whether or not other people get it is a

             secondary issue. As long as you do what you want you'll be

             happy.

             "Does that help any?"

Is there a secret poly handshake?

     Not that I know of. ;-) There are several proposed symbols, of

     which the most common seems to be the parrot.  As parrot pins and

     other ornaments are relatively easy to find, this symbol seems

     likely to catch on over the others.  It also has the advantage of

     being humorous, which is a needed quality in such a staid,

     conservative group as alt.poly.  (Joke, folks!  Set irony filters

     on stun.)